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Gratitude Or Madness

Gratitude or Madness: I choose the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving. I was having a dark, depressing night. 5 weeks earlier my 7 1/2 month old son had shockingly, unexpectedly passed away at the hospital from a heart disorder called Kawasaki Disease. It was the last thing my husband and I expected. We brought home this joy filled baby when he was two days old and were in preparation to adopt him. It’s the kind of grief that makes any adult person shudder. People don’t know what to say.

I work with the public and have lots of casual relationships there. Many people still come in smiling and excited to see the new picture or talk about how he’s grown. When I tell them what’s happened they’re usually so upset that I have to comfort them. I was thinking of this and other thoughts as the sun went down Thanksgiving Eve.

My family was visiting from New York but Mom got sick so they stayed at the hotel that night. My husband was also laid out with a stomach flu. It was as if the world was conspiring to have me sit in the dark and experience PTSD alone at the dining room table. Images of my son’s final hour were haunting me. Hospital sounds, lights flashing, the doctor who finally called it… bringing his way-too-short life to an end. Images that could drive me mad.