Stopping The Fight With Myself
I used to be a fighter. My world was basically full of
good and bad. I was a pro at casting out the bad and assisting others in finding their "fight" so they could also cast out their bad. I was good at it - the best. All the stuff that I judged as nasty, dark, and ugly, I would fight away - scared to look at them for fear of what it meant about me.
I'm grateful for the two people who helped me eventually shake up this world-view. The first was my mother. When I was a teenager, I tried to extend my "fight" to her, as she was desperate to divorce my father. Her response to me was "I don't want to fight anymore". She simply accepted her life as it was. I didn't know not fighting was even an option.
The second was a teenage transgender female in Juvenile Hall. I was her counselor and wanted to build her up enough so she would let go of her pimp, homelessness, and a few other things I felt were destructive. I vividly remember her making the decision to not cast out any part of herself, even if it was causing her pain. In the process of embracing and accepting all of herself, come what may, she was able to see me - and the aspects of myself I tried to hide and reject. She loved all of me, even that part of me that I barely knew. It took awhile for this to sink in, but years later I was able to make the decision to stop fighting.
The word acceptance is often used in spiritual circles. To me, acceptance is when you stop fighting, stop rejecting, and begin to embrace your whole self - even the parts that you have judged and rejected... the parts that scare you. I suppose I am on the path of Self-acceptance.
I don't judge people's decision to stop fighting. I found my courage when I surrendered and accepted all aspects of myself. By embracing what once was rejected, we can take off the gloves and embrace the perfection that is... that always has been.